


Scar

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Junhoe's POV, M/M, Not literally, and hurt, but he's junhoe's angel, jiwon the angel, junhoe's broken, you won't need tissues but i do okay shh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 17:17:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18451076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: Junhoe knows he’s supposed to be in pain for the rest of his life because the scars always remind him, so he doesn’t know why he lets an angel love him.





	Scar

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from twitter

Junhoe had a lot of scars. Physical or mental, they were permanent. They weren’t about to leave him anytime soon. He would think the pain was fading until he’d see a scar and remember everything all over again. 

He found it difficult to let himself be happy after so many letdowns. Commitment issues. Trust issues. Fears. They all merged, they didn’t seem separate but one large blob that Junhoe labelled ‘Aftermath’. And every time a part of him broke, the aftermath of pain would only grow. So he didn’t know why he allowed himself this. He didn’t deserve an angel to walk along his scars to his heart and keep him from going crazy but for some reason, he let himself have Jiwon when he knew he shouldn’t.

And Jiwon knew nothing. 

“I never asked for this.”

“ _You_ never asked for it?! It was my event!” Jiwon yelled, slamming the door shut and Junhoe sighed, moving his head from side to side until his neck clicked and then he let himself turn around. He didn’t look at Jiwon yet. “I trusted you enough to think that you’d _know_ not to go that far.”

“Okay, stop, stop right there. You’re the one not telling that I’m your boyfriend,” Junhoe interrupted pointedly but Jiwon glared at him.

“I’m sorry that I know that everyone thinks that gay is a synonym of poison?”

“But do you? Do _you_ think that?” Junhoe asked, walking brashly forward as he pointed at Jiwon who stood his ground, only faltering for a split-second. “Tell me. Do you?”

“Of course not,” Jiwon answered like it was the stupidest question and Junhoe nodded, crossing his arms. 

“Cool. Then it shouldn’t matter.”

“Jun-”

“What, you wish you kept me on a leash now? Grow up. I’ll say whatever I want to say.”

“I heard you,” Jiwon said, voice quiet now and full of disbelief. “You said that I was gay like you wanted them to think I was horrible. Like it was some kind of weapon, against me. Do you think I don’t get enough belittling and now this?”

Junhoe scoffed but Jiwon cut in again. “Don’t say what you’re gonna say, this is about you. Do you want me to lose my job?”

“No.”

“Was it for some ‘fun’?”

“No.”

“Are you trying to break us up? Is that it? You think I suck so before you break up with me, you want to make everyone else think I suck too?” Jiwon asked, voice wobbling as his eyes begged Junhoe for an answer but his clenched fists said otherwise. 

Junhoe was stone-faced, but he could feel his heart chipping inside. He could feel the next scar coming. Maybe he was so far gone that he wasn’t _actually_ letting himself have Jiwon. Maybe he was trying to get rid of him, because his mind knew how toxic Junhoe was for anyone and God, Jiwon was _perfection_. Handsome, really nice job, sweet as hell. Junhoe already knew he didn’t deserve him but he thought maybe, he’d hang on for a little while, and be selfish.

Maybe it was really time to stop. 

“I don’t think you suck.”

That was the best he could do. Junhoe never apologised when he didn’t want to be forgiven.

“You sure about that ‘cause I’m not,” Jiwon grumbled, a growl in his tone as he shrugged off his suit jacket, dropping it and Junhoe felt his eyebrow twitch. 

“Pick that up.”

Jiwon leant back against the wall behind him, feigning innocence. “Oh, so you care about something now?”

That made Junhoe wince. He knew he cared about Jiwon more than he cared for anything in the world but he had thought that about other people once too.

“Shut up.”

“Are we over now?”

“Stop.”

“We’ve been over for a while, haven’t we?”

“Don’t.”

“I can’t remember the last time I felt like you love me.”

“I said shut _up,_ ” Junhoe growled, charging forward and taking hold of Jiwon’s wrist, about to pin it against the wall but hearing Jiwon suck in a breath stopped him. Instead he closed his eyes, taking in a breath himself before muttering, “I’m tired. Okay?” 

“Of what? Me?” Jiwon's tone was too heartbroken for Junhoe to bear to listen to. “You don’t want to save us?”

_Of course I do. I want to be in love with you, I want to hold your hand without remembering bad things, I want to hold you tight and be happy but I don’t know how to do that anymore. I don’t._

“I’ll be gone by dawn,” Junhoe muttered, letting go of Jiwon’s wrist. That wasn’t the first time he had said that and each time got less hard but this, this was harder than any of the others, because Jiwon was better than anything Junhoe had ever walked away from. But wounds open, they heal, scars form, and it’s all a routine. Jiwon would turn into another scar for Junhoe to remember, and smile, thinking that an angel had loved him once. Once, because angels just don’t last forever. But when Junhoe had turned around, Jiwon called out to him, “You can leave. If you’ve made me live a lie for this long then I never want to see your face again,” and that was it. Junhoe saw red. 

“Fuck you, Kim Jiwon,  _fuck_ you,” Junhoe growled low in his throat, spinning around and pushing Jiwon into the wall, grabbing a fistful of his shirt before crashing their lips together. And Jiwon didn’t let up. He kissed harder, arms around Junhoe’s neck and Junhoe pinned him back by the hip, wanting to ruin the softness that Jiwon always exuded. From the soft hair to the soft lips to the soft smile - Junhoe wanted all of it gone. 

“You...” Jiwon breathed out, head falling back against the wall as Junhoe kissed him again, and Jiwon seemed to have forgotten that he was speaking. He just pushed himself against Junhoe and against the way Junhoe tried to pin him down. Junhoe was ready for a night of pain, but then he wondered - he didn’t want that for Jiwon. But here they already were. Junhoe couldn’t stop, and Jiwon had always been addictive. 

Soon he was tearing apart the buttons of Jiwon’s shirt, kissing him tirelessly, tongues battling, teeth clashing and their chests pressed together roughly and Junhoe was just so ready for more destruction- but suddenly the kiss was gone and Junhoe gasped for breath, confused. But when he opened his eyes, Jiwon was looking down, biting his reddened lips as tears started filling his gorgeous, darkened eyes; and that was all it took for Junhoe’s fire to go out. 

"Hyung...hyung, no, what's wrong-" Junhoe had no idea why he was stupid enough to ask that.

"I don't want this," Jiwon sniffed, sobbing quietly as he wiped at his face with a rough arm, almost missing. "I-I don't want angry sex or anything angry, I just...I just wa-” 

Jiwon dissolved into tears again, looking down shamefully as he clutched onto Junhoe's shirt, eyes squeezed shut with tears slipping out of them in crystalline sadness and heavy breaths leaving his mouth, ragged and broken. 

"Please, please don't cry," Junhoe murmured helplessly, cupping Jiwon's face with his hands but the elder flinched, making the shattered fragments Junhoe’s heart had become only burrow deeper. They might end up forming the worst scars Junhoe would ever have. "I'm begging you-"

"I'm sorry," Jiwon breathed out, squeezing his eyes shut and Junhoe was frozen, eyes wide. No, no, Jiwon hadn't just said that, Jiwon had no right to be sorry. Nothing was ever his fault, _ever_ , and he should know that and now Junhoe was going to cry too. “I don't want to fight, I j-just want to know why you- is it commitment issues? Or do you really wanna break up? Please, you can just tell me, Junhoe-"

"I'm the one who's sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said a word. I should've kept quiet," Junhoe mumbled, resting his forehead against Jiwon's and his heart swelled painfully when Jiwon let him. He didn't know why he was apologising now when he told himself he wouldn't, but he couldn't dare to not. "It hurt. Knowing you- you hadn't told anyone."

"I've got my reasons-"

"I know."

"-but I can say it. If you want. Or even if you don't want- I'll do it for me. I'll say it as proudly as I can because really, I am so, _so_ proud to call you mine."

Junhoe bit his lip. It was trembling. "You were right. I've been looking for an excuse to...let this go. That's just what my brain does by now. It doesn't believe in letting me have beautiful things, like you."

Jiwon smiled sadly. "So that's it. Why?"

"'Cause of the scars," Junhoe said hoarsely, having to swallow straight after. Speaking out about it was so scary that he wanted to run far from his angel but he dared himself to stay. "The pain. Physical ones, from abuse a-and...stuff."

"Then the ones inside," Jiwon murmured, his voice a gentle whisper and Junhoe swallowed again.

"Then the ones inside."

"Where's the pain from?"

"So many things, hyung."

"So this is why, you won't let me under your shirt," Jiwon hummed, and Junhoe's eyes flew open when he felt hands at his top button. But he let it happen. Jiwon was so slow, so careful, and his touch was soft as he guided the shirt off Junhoe's shoulders, out his arms, and it fell to the ground. It was so cold. But Jiwon's arms wrapped snug around his waist, his body pressing closer and cold left Junhoe's vocabulary. 

"Hey," Jiwon whispered and Junhoe looked at him, at the care gathered in his warm eyes as his warmer hands slid up to rest flat against Junhoe's chest. "I'm gonna kiss them all better, whether they've healed or not, if they're physical or on the inside. All you need to do is let me. Don't try to get rid of me 'cause I ain't leaving."

"Alright, angel," Junhoe replied, smiling as Jiwon peered at him curiously at the nickname but his hands were still wandering over Junhoe's torso, smoothing over each ridge. Preparing to heal. "But, please don't ever cry in front of me again." 

"I couldn't help it..."

"Exactly and it broke my fucking heart," Junhoe mumbled, craning to just about rest his chin on top of Jiwon's head, and he tensed when he felt Jiwon kiss his shoulder. Scar from one year ago, May, when Junhoe caught himself on thorns when running away. Then Jiwon moved down to his collarbone. Eight months ago, September, when Junhoe was the one holding the weapon and he barely stopped himself from going too far.

Jiwon was already starting.  

"You're still the most beautiful person alive. Forever, always."

And Junhoe kissed him, as his way of saying 'no, that's you, hyung' and he wiped Jiwon's drying tears away, chest tingling from the way Jiwon's fingers walked across it, drawing gentle shapes. 

He tried to think about how they got here. He tried to think about why they weren't over yet, why they weren't at each other's throats. And of course, it all pointed to Jiwon. At his kindness, loyalty, the never ending trust in his stupid golden heart. An angel loved him once, and the same one wanted to love him forever.

His scars weren't supposed to be there to remind him of how little he deserved out of life. They were there to let him see that the pain was in the past. The scars were healing. There was no point in beating himself up after already going through a lifetime of hurt.

It was time to be happy.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i got sad lmao


End file.
